Let their Fears Become your Fears

My school is undertaking a major change initiative that I am helping to push forward and last week, our school leaders discussed the climate of fear some of us have sensed in our school. I am convinced that much of the fear is simply fear of the unknown and have wanted to quickly respond with an information and marketing campaign of sorts.

"You don't understand? You're afraid. Let me help you see the light!"

In the midst of the meeting, my principal took a different tack and sought to validate the fears we were hearing. He said that as leaders, we need to let their fears become our fears. Even if we have more knowledge and more perspective, we need to see things from the perspective of those we wish to lead. Fears are always real, and the emotion behind fears should never be judged and always be validated.

Another moment earlier in the meeting connects for me. My colleague and friend who coaches wrestling at my school was talking about his sons' mimickry of his wrestlers' behavior. He has to deal with his third grader acting like an immature fifteen-year-old hormonal boy. And it's not always clear that's a plus.

My friend, though, is letting his wrestlers' issues become his issues. He hasn't insulated his family from his professional life but has let his own children feel the effect - for good or for ill - of his work.

Friends of mine who are very spiritual have a word for this: they call it incarnational ministry. That's a fancy way of saying service in the body. It means being with people to the extent that you let their issues become your issues, helping people out from up close, not at an arms length.

Of course, this notion has all sorts of risks to boundaries and personal sanity that need to be worked out. But it may just be the only way to really know the people we serve, and so the only way to lead.